My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him...🕷️

I have a friend named Ay E. He loaned me $10 the other day & I told him, thanks Ay E, I owe you.

The Judge asks the woman what she stole. “A can of peaches your Honour” she replies. The Judge thinks on it a moment then asks her how many peaches were in the can. “Six your Honour” The judge tells her that in that case he will sentence her to six days in jail. Just as he is raising his gavel to end the case her husband from the back row of the courtroom gets up and screams: “She also stole a can of peas, Judge!”

The Judge asks the woman what she stole. “A can of peaches your Honour” she replies. The Judge thinks on it a moment then asks her how many peaches were in the can. “Six your Honour” The judge tells her that in that case he will sentence her to six days in jail. Just as he is raising his gavel to end the case her husband from the back row of the courtroom gets up and screams: “She also stole a can of peas, Judge!”

If they weren't, they'd eggscape

Plumb sauce.

An elderly couple walked into a McDonald’s and sat down at a table near some young people who were having dinner. The old man approached the counter and placed an order for one meal. He returned, unwrapped the hamburger, carefully cut it in half, and placed one half in front of his wife. Then he gently counted out the fries and split them evenly between them. He placed two straws into the soda and set it between them. The old woman began to eat her half of the burger while the man just watched. From time to time, he took a small sip of the drink, but he never touched the food. People around them started to notice and looked on with quiet sympathy. A young man approached and politely offered to buy them another meal so they wouldn’t have to share. The woman smiled and said kindly, “Thank you, but we’re used to sharing everything.” Still, the man hadn’t eaten a bite. He simply watched as his wife enjoyed her meal. The young man returned and offered again. This time, the old man responded, “Thank you, but we really do share everything.” The young man paused for a moment, then asked: “But sir… what are you waiting for?” The old man smiled and said: “The teeth.”

It was great until the chef retired and the food got rubbery.

The pause button.

This

Damn was she upset when I found one that didn’t cry as much.